THE RUN DOWN WITH ROZ
THE RECAP
Title: Anxiety
July 23, 2024
Anxiety is one of the things I have been dealing with for a very long time. I didn’t know that what I had been feeling for a long time had a name. Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety all in one becomes hard for me to manage at times and then on top of that, add grief to the mix, some days it’s hard for me to get out of bed.
Like millions of people, I finally got a chance to see Inside Out 2. It was highly recommended by my adult friends. Yes, I said my adult friends! Some thought it would be a great movie for me to understand my 11-year-old daughter, however after raising 3 boys, I am here to tell you girls are different.
​
I was out of town and decided since I had a little free time, I would go and see the movie alone. I wanted to hear whatever this message was loud and clear as a good friend told me to be intentional with my me time. As I waited for the movie to start, I found myself getting restless. I mean the movie ticket said 2:15 and previews were still coming on after 2:30. As I was waiting, I was thinking maybe I should just leave. I was already tired, kids behind me kept kicking my chair, and honestly, I didn’t know if I liked the feeling of being alone out of state in a movie theater. I felt very uneasy and for some reason afraid. Just as I was about to get up, the movie started.
Joy always made me smile. How could she not? I even understood her throwing away things that did not bring you joy. Erasing embarrassing moments or moments in time that made you angry was brilliant. I mean a lot of things have happened to me that I put in the back of my mind. I liked Joy and understood her protection.
Here is what I came to realize. When my anxiety kicks in, the feeling I get sometimes becomes unbearable. I experience heart palpations, weird feelings, self-doubt, everyone is against me, and so much more. Millions of thoughts that I can’t seem to get out of my head. This could last for seconds, minutes, or days and then add depression in the mix, and now days it’s turned into weeks, months, and/or years. NEVER did I look at the fact that my anxiety was trying to protect me. How could it protect me when it brings me so much pain? Inside Out 2 showed me how Joy and Anxiety both try to protect me in their own way. Both emotions have flaws. The flaws make me unapologetically me!
​
I realized suppressing the things/actions that brought me pain did not make them go away. If I do not deal with the guilt, shame, fear, anger, embarrassment, and more it would still be there. It would lay quietly waiting for the right time to rise and cause unspeakable harm to my mind. When your mind is disturbed in a negative way it can cause a break down in you physically, emotionally and spiritually.
Anxiety is not all bad. Seems it’s often misunderstood. I forgot the moments when my anxiety protected me. There were times I would have an attack when I was in the presence of family and strangers who had done unspeakable things to me, things I was told to keep a secret about that I was hiding and ashamed of. Anxiety sometimes shows up in places I should not be. I get the sense I don’t belong if trouble is near. How could I not see this before? How did I misinterpret what my body has being doing for me since I was born?
I cried a lot watching Inside Out 2! I removed myself from the seat where I was constantly being kicked to a private seat with no one around. I allowed my emotions to take control and I embraced it. I realized at that moment; I was going to forever embrace all of my emotions. I was going to try to understand them instead of hiding and dismissing them. Everything that I have gone thru, everything that I feel makes me exactly who I am. I fought hard to love me. The hardest battle I ever had to fight. While I am not where I want to be, I am confident that I am taking the necessary steps to heal healthy. Recognizing all my impurities are a part of me. I no longer want to be ashamed of the things that have made me question why me! I will not let my emotions take over me. Instead, I will work with them and not against them. After all they all are trying to protect me.
Title: Vulnerability W/O Judgement
July 9, 2024
Are we really allowed to be vulnerable without judgement? Does this apply to the Black Man? Is the Black Man’s mental health protected? As a mother of 3 Black Men and married to a Black Man, I always wonder who is protecting them.
Growing up in a world that doesn’t want you to succeed is hard. As a young boy, if you cry, often you are told “crying is for girls”. If you fall and hurt yourself, you are told “stop crying and man up”, therefore you learn early how to suppress your feelings before you even know the meaning of feelings.
​
Boys with this kind of teaching grow up to be men that keep their feelings inside. Men that are afraid to look weak appear to have it all together, even when they are crumbling inside. Society will have you thinking, to be a man you must be a leader at all costs. You must stand tall and take the mental, physical, verbal and emotional abuse without hesitation.
​
I have been watching our Black Men all my life ESPECIALLY the Black Father. You know ones that don’t get recognized unless its negative. The Black Father that society wants you to believe is absent most of the time.
You have the married Black Man who has fallen on hard times and is talked about instead of helped. He goes to ask for help and hears “You a man, figure it out”. Sadly, figuring it out does not always happen the way one would like for it to happen.
​
How about the Black Single Father who is alone trying to figure it all out? How many opportunities is he afforded to help raise his child alone? Where are the support groups and play dates for him and his child? Don’t let him go for child support! You will hear all kind of negative comments because he is a man. Double standards?
What about the Black Man that has mental health issues? Who does he turn to without judgement? Can he speak freely about his feelings? Did we skip over Men’s Mental Health Awareness month? Maybe we just didn’t know it existed.
​
How do we handle the grieving man who has just lost a loved one? Does he get to mourn, take bereavement days?
The Black Man that is in a domestic violence relationship where he is the victim, does he have the same support system? Can he reach out for help without being judged? 1 in 7 men are victims of Domestic Violence. That’s a huge number mainly because most don’t report their abuse for fear of judgement.
​
This is a few examples but there are so many more. My mind is always on the Black Man. I have seen what society continues to do to them. I have heard their silent cries and it scares me. To be honest I have sat with a few and helped wipe their tears. We continue to talk about mental health as if we want improvement and with the same breath, we are talking down on each other. Just click any Social Media platform and you will see how quickly society change.
We must start protecting our Black Men and remind them it is okay to ask for help. Crying is a part of healing. It’s an opening or a closing of another chapter. We need more positive ads showing them as fathers, mentors, doctors, lawyers, and everything in between. How about we show them having emotions without the stigma! We must show up for them and be their peace in a world that rarely gives them any peace at all. They are dying at a much higher rate and contrary to what some might think, violence towards each other is not the leading cause.
Men you are safe here with The Run Down with Roz organization. We will create a space for you and in your silence, we will speak loud and bold on your behalf. Please visit our resources page and use it as a guide to find your healing. We are all in this together. Your mental health matters.
June 4, 2024
Title: What goes on in this household STAYS....
If you grew up in my neighborhood, or if you look like me, chances are you know the rest of that phrase. You have heard it several times growing up.
"What goes on in this household stays in this household " was just as important as coming in the house before the street lights came on. Beating the street lights was to keep us safe, however, keeping things to yourself kept them safe. My love for crabs started at a young age, waiting until the adults finished eating what they wanted so I could get a taste of what was left. I was not allowed to tell anyone about the crabs, or I would get in trouble. Let's not talk about the long card parties that only certain people were allowed. That was also something we were not allowed to share. None of this seems harmful, right? These were some of the harmless "secrets." If the information got out, it would only make the uninvited guest mad and then arguing would begin. We knew better and understood that keeping our mouth closed was the best thing to do, besides, children were not allowed in grown folks' business.
What about the domestic violence I witnessed in households? How could I keep it a secret? Easy! I was a child, besides, I was taught that was love, and since I saw it in many households, it seemed normal. Learning at a young age to keep what was happening a secret is the reason I'm 43, finally trying to heal and be free. Forget the crabs and parties it was the beatings I saw. The beatings I learned to hide when I got into abusive relationships. The verbal and emotional abuse I accepted. It was the molestation that was disguised as playing house. Those unwanted touches had me crying in my pillow. Who could I tell? Children were seen sometimes but never heard. What about the pills I was hiding under my pillow. The prayers for death because life was hurting me. How was it no one saw what was happening to me. The black eyes, bruises, and distance. EASY! I hid behind my smile, never said a thing because I was a good girl. If you were taught this UNLEARN IT!
Free yourself now. If something or someone is hurting you , tell it! Get help and get out. No one should be abused in any way. Unwanted touches are not okay! It doesn't make it okay if it's coming from a family member. It's actually worse because you are supposed to be able to trust them. I spent years, no decades, keeping other peoples' secrets. The trauma of my past almost killed me. I allowed them to control me and my actions, but NO MORE! I'm unmasking all of my ugly truths. You better believe whatever is hurting me or my loved ones in any household you will know about it.
May 21, 2024
Title: Triggering weekend
We have all seen or heard some of the stories about Diddy. Daily we hear stories that often trigger us. I really hate that some of my social media sites automatically play videos without warning. I know certain things trigger me and takes me to a place I don’t want to go. I try to avoid those places and situations. As I am scrolling through my IG page a video plays that I was not prepared to see. Luckily I only saw a couple of seconds, but those seconds were too much for me. I began to read the article attached to the video and it details what was happening. Tears dropped down my face and I begin to feel numb, but I continued to read.
​
The article was horrible, and the comments didn’t make my feelings any better. I felt the outrage and pain from so many. It was the negativity that really has me down. The apologies from people who at first didn’t believe the victim. This happens so often. We are quick to speak especially on things we do not know. I remember hearing people say the victim was lying to get a payout and others said it was for attention.
​
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault is real! It doesn’t just happen to celebrities. It happens daily regardless of race, your background or affiliation. There are so many people who suffer in silence. I read comments from people I know saying “She couldn’t be from my neighborhood because we don’t play that in my hood”. What does that even mean? I remember being that person. I was quick and loud when I said, “It will never happen to me” or “I wish a man would.” I said statements like that knowing I was going home daily to abuse. Punch, kick, choke and more on a regular basis. Yet I stood in solidarity with those who said it wouldn’t happen to me. When people found out about my abuse or when I begin to share my story there were those who didn’t believe me. Some of them still don’t believe me. I was crying out for help amongst so many people just to be talked about instead of talked too. What’s sad is, I later learned that some of the ones who had a lot to say were also in an abusive relationship.
​
Do you think about the comments you write? Sadly, someone needs to confide in you, but they can’t because they have seen or heard the things you have said. You have made comments that made them feel alone in their situation. We suffer in silence because we feel ashamed, judge, confused, alone, scared, trapped and the comments I have seen has made it obvious. There are several people who have not reported their abuse that is why I don’t get caught up in statistics. If you are someone who looks at statistics know that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. YES, you read that correctly! YES, men are abused too. YES, there is power in the things you write and the things you speak. Look around you and count the men and women you see and then do the math. Think about the stories you have not told. My heart aches for all victims. Especially in today’s society when we must relive situations via technology/social media. You finally make the decision to stand up for yourself just to have people turn on you. You try to live your life just to have the media constantly talking about your most traumatic experiences repeatedly. We’re all screaming May is Mental Health Awareness month, but are we really focused on Mental Health or do we just wear our green ribbons?
​
I am not okay today and I haven’t been all weekend. There have been moments I just started crying remembering what I have been through. I have not had a good night’s sleep because I am triggered not only by the video I saw, but the comments and apologies that came afterwards. My heart aches for the families and other victims. We must do better as a society. We are moving backwards, and I am not okay today.
May 12, 2024
Title: Motherless on Mother's Day
Being a mother is one of my greatest accomplishments. I became a mother at the age of 18. A child having a child; everyone had something negative to say but I knew that I could not fail because someone was counting on me. I grew a life inside of me and had to protect that life forever. I love being a mom, even in the tough times, I wouldn't change it for anything. My 4 children remind me that I did something right in my life. It is natural for them to want to celebrate me. I watch as they have secret conversations trying to surprise me. They say and do the sweetest things. I appreciate just listening to them laugh and talking about the old days, but now I am motherless on Mother's Day, and nothing is the same.
My sister and I used to race to see who would call my mom first at midnight. Most of the time, I won. Now I can't call my mom or even plan surprises with my sister. Getting out of bed is a struggle. Today makes the 5th mother’s day without her. Trying to do the things we usually do just don't feel right. People tell me not to take this day away from my children and allow them to celebrate me. I would love nothing more than to be celebrated, I would love to sit around the table eating, laughing, taking pictures, and more, but my heart is heavy. I look around and see a house full of people, and they all have their Mother's. They all take selfies with their mom, even my own children want to take selfies with me. I can't even force a smile because I feel guilty. Life is still going on, and I am forced to live in this world motherless. I know I am not the first and won't be the last to mourn a parent, however watching my mother take her last breath on earth, and 8 months later, my grandmother did the same thing, has been a lot to process. My emotions this weekend have been overwhelming. Time hasn't made it better, and I don't like when people say that to me. Constantly feeling like I have to do what others want me to do on this day is frustrating. I'm not mad at them because I know they don't understand, they don't feel my pain, and I am honestly glad they don't understand. It's the constant suggestion that gets to me. I can feel myself screaming on the inside "Don't go to the cemetery it will just make you sad" "She would want you to be happy" "Time heals all wounds" "God don't make mistakes" "You are stronger than you know" STRONG? Is that what they see? I'm just surviving, I'm trying daily to do my best. Their words, while they might come from a good place, do not comfort me. It's really just a reminder how everyone is looking at me. If I am quiet, it doesn't mean something is wrong. If I don't laugh, it doesn't mean stop telling jokes. If I don't want hugs, it is not because I’m having a moment. My life is full of moments but I know the world is still moving.
To my motherless sisters on Mother's Day, do me a favor and take a stand for yourself…. Put you first, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel to push through as best you can in a healthy way. If you need rest, then rest! If you want to laugh, then laugh and don't you dare feel guilty about it! You need to cry, then cry, don't hold it in! If you need someone to talk to, check out my resource page. We are not alone. We spend so much time making everyone else comfortable that we are okay with being uncomfortable. No! I'm not doing that today, and neither are you! I'm going to the cemetery and have my moment. From there, I have no plans because I want to allow myself to be free of all expectations.
You are not alone today. Together, we got this. In case no one told you today, you are an awesome mother/woman because you decided to put YOU first today!
May 1, 2024
Title: It's Ok Not To Be Ok!
Sounds cliche' right? We hear it all the time, we even wear t-shirts with the slogan on them, but do we really understand it?
The first time I heard this was when my mother took her last breath, as I stood at the foot of her bed screaming “mommy” I knew that would be the last time I would see her on earth. I heard many things I did not want to hear at the time, such as “She is in a better place” “God don’t make any mistakes” “ I’m here if you need anything” “Time heals all wounds”.
I didn't want to hear any of these statements while I was trying to process how my life had just changed, how I had to answer my children’s questions. None of this helped me as I still had to be a wife, mother, sister, friend, employee and so much more.
I was not the definition of strong that people described me to be. I was trying to survive because being strong was too hard and overrated.
I was crumbling inside and hiding it with a big smile on my face and then for the first time I heard those words from a good friend “It’s okay not to be okay”! She continued to say “you have no control over your emotions, so take time and just feel them”. That’s the first time I FELT that statement. I may have heard it before or seen it somewhere before, but that day, I actually FELT and RECEIVED it.
Why do we feel ashamed or keep silent when we are not okay mentally?
When we are physically sick and the over the counter medicines don’t work anymore, we go see our doctor, when we have a toothache we make an emergency appointment to the dentist because no one likes toothaches, depending on our beliefs we seek some kind of counsel when spiritually we need understanding.
Why is our mental health different? We hide when we are not okay mentally. We go about our day living up to everyone’s expectations, sometimes the expectations are our own. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be okay, that we don’t realize how much we are not okay.
We lose ourselves by pretending we can emotionally handle everything we are dealing with alone, but we don’t realize its actually okay not to be okay. We don’t see the value in ourselves, we don’t see that help is a phone call or text away.
Let's stop that today! Together we can STOP putting hurtful and unhealthy expectations on ourselves and no longer allow the world to do it.
Let's seek help for our mental health just as we do our physical, and spiritual health.
Let's unapologetically take time off from work when we need a mental health day!
Let's unmask our ugly truths and take charge so that we can heal healthy.
OUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!